Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconcreate-illusions: More from create-illusions


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
June 15, 2009
File Size
1.8 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
7,346
Favourites
350 (who?)
Comments
163
×
one.
-

her name is alice. there is a slight blood stain on the valley where her lips part, and her eyes are two supermassive black stars that can't show anything but hurt. she can't bring herself to look in the broken mirror puddles that are all over the ground.

              (and i don't blame her)

two.

-

she borrows her mother's raincoat because it smells like home. not the homes that are flooded with laundry soap or soft candles burning in the family room, but more like the paint she spilled on the carpet, or the whiskey on her father's breath.

            (and sometimes, she swears she can smell her mother's sadness.)


three.

-

when alice was little she remembers playing freeze tag with her mother. she remembers feeling anxious, and now she feels sick. "if daddy touches you, stay still, and don't make a sound."

                  (alice is the best at being numb.)


four.

-

alice plays the piano, and the sounds are broken, and slow. sometimes she plays to the beating of her heart, irregular things are what she loves, like tracing the lines in the wall where she counted the days she was alive.

                            (alice is the best at pretending.)
one.



two.



three.


four.


.....


(a black cloud covers my heart at night, and eats through my soul, and when i wake up, i feel sick, and scared, and at night, i cry before i go to sleep. and all i want is the moonlight to pass over my skin and help me know that i'm alive, just one more night.)
:heart:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconladybuttoneyes:
Critique by LadyButtonEyes Jun 16, 2009, 10:30:32 AM
I cannot decide if this is poetry or prose-- but either way it is beautiful. I love the way you divide it. The reader is forced to lunge forward as they go and it adds to the sadness and violence of the piece. Usually I would be against the parentheses, but you use them very artfully and they help add insight. "(alice is best at pretending)": I do not think you could have ended this work any better.

I loved the "smells of home", but I felt like "the whiskey on her father's breath" lacks the originality of "the paint she spilled on the carpet." But I understand that it is completely necessary and that the work would carry the same meaning without it.

In very few words you have shown all the pain that one person could ever hold and then some. Again, beautiful work. Well done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
52 out of 54 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconstrange:
This piece speaks very heavily of loneliness and hauted nostalgia.
The haunting feeling it gives off is helped by the broken structure and the use of numbers, which seem to dictate a passage of time.
I think you have grasped a set of emotions very well here and laid them out very clearly, without being too direct or forceful. You are not pushing a moral on the reader or making their mind up for them, you are simply painting a picture of someone who is very sad and lonley and possibly very lost and letting the reader make their own decision.
I also think that you are writing about repressed abuse, whether physical or mental i am unsure, but I may be wrong. This image certainly comes across in the third stanza.
I would call this poetry (in response to the first critique) and I would call it very good poetry.
:)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
26 out of 26 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014   Writer
This is hauntingly beautiful.
Reply
:iconjinxai:
Jinxai Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
I really love this piece. I just found you by chance and decided to take a look at your gallery and I really love what I've seen so far. Your writings are all marvelous and you are definitely one of my new idles. I can only hope to write as well as you one day.

"(and sometimes, she swears she can smell her mother's sadness.)"

I really love this line as well as the paragraph before it. Im like that sometimes, I'll smell shirts and things just to be reminded of "home."
Reply
:iconcreate-illusions:
create-illusions Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
Thank you very much :smooch:
Reply
:iconjinxai:
Jinxai Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
Your very welcome.
Reply
:iconjessssika:
jessssika Featured By Owner May 17, 2010   Writer
I guess, this piece touches me the most because I like to call myself alice and I like to pretend, too.
Reply
:iconmeowzer13:
meowzer13 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2009  Student Traditional Artist
Wow, your writing is very powerful and very beautiful :) this is really amazing!
Reply
:icongothic-ray:
Gothic-Ray Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2009
"if daddy touches you, stay still, and don't make a sound."

that's mi favorite line though it sad....wonderful as always
Reply
:iconcreate-illusions:
create-illusions Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2009
thank you
Reply
:icongothic-ray:
Gothic-Ray Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2009
np
Reply
:iconscatteredwords:
scatteredwords Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yes.
Reply
Add a Comment: