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one.
-

her name is alice. there is a slight blood stain on the valley where her lips part, and her eyes are two supermassive black stars that can't show anything but hurt. she can't bring herself to look in the broken mirror puddles that are all over the ground.

              (and i don't blame her)

two.

-

she borrows her mother's raincoat because it smells like home. not the homes that are flooded with laundry soap or soft candles burning in the family room, but more like the paint she spilled on the carpet, or the whiskey on her father's breath.

            (and sometimes, she swears she can smell her mother's sadness.)


three.

-

when alice was little she remembers playing freeze tag with her mother. she remembers feeling anxious, and now she feels sick. "if daddy touches you, stay still, and don't make a sound."

                  (alice is the best at being numb.)


four.

-

alice plays the piano, and the sounds are broken, and slow. sometimes she plays to the beating of her heart, irregular things are what she loves, like tracing the lines in the wall where she counted the days she was alive.

                            (alice is the best at pretending.)
:iconcreate-illusions:

Author's Comments

one.



two.



three.


four.


.....


(a black cloud covers my heart at night, and eats through my soul, and when i wake up, i feel sick, and scared, and at night, i cry before i go to sleep. and all i want is the moonlight to pass over my skin and help me know that i'm alive, just one more night.)
:heart:

Critiques


:iconstrange:
This piece speaks very heavily of loneliness and hauted nostalgia.
The haunting feeling it gives off is helped by the broken structure and the use of numbers, which seem to dictate a passage of time.
I think you have grasped a set of emotions very well here and laid them out very clearly, without being too direct or forceful. You are not pushing a moral on the reader or making their mind up for them, you are simply painting a picture of someone who is very sad and lonley and possibly very lost and letting the reader make their own decision.
I also think that you are writing about repressed abuse, whether physical or mental i am unsure, but I may be wrong. This image certainly comes across in the third stanza.
I would call this poetry (in response to the first critique) and I would call it very good poetry.
:)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
26 out of 26 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconladybuttoneyes:
I cannot decide if this is poetry or prose-- but either way it is beautiful. I love the way you divide it. The reader is forced to lunge forward as they go and it adds to the sadness and violence of the piece. Usually I would be against the parentheses, but you use them very artfully and they help add insight. "(alice is best at pretending)": I do not think you could have ended this work any better.

I loved the "smells of home", but I felt like "the whiskey on her father's breath" lacks the originality of "the paint she spilled on the carpet." But I understand that it is completely necessary and that the work would carry the same meaning without it.

In very few words you have shown all the pain that one person could ever hold and then some. Again, beautiful work. Well done.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
52 out of 54 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


love 2 2 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 1 1 fear 1 1 neutral 0 0
:iconkarieteko:
This is very sad but it is also very amazing. :]
:iconjehrin:
wow :speechless: that was really good (amazing was taken) but yeah it was also really sad to.

--
Art isn't just visual, its also visualizing.
:iconlicoricefactory:
"if daddy touches you, stay still, and don't make a sound."

that line is eerie but I love it.

--
Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.
:icondancer333:
That is so...sad. But wonderful at the same time. Good job!

--
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're
supposed to help you discover who you are.
:iconeefera:
This is REALLY powerful. I was choked up a bit at the end, fabulous fabulous write.
Instant :+fav:

--

I am a poet, but sometimes words fail me.

:iconmodsoul123:
Very powerful, this is beautifully written.

--
Owned by Faelix, Ryeohae, Gigorio, Jezala, Dzea, Cruce, Lynneth, and Cephas.

Jesus Freak and way proud of it!
:iconredsky-atnight:
I feel really cold reading this, and more awake than the usual; I don't know... Beautifully written though, :heart:, maybe that's why.. Anyhow, well done, :+fav:.

--
"'Unmask!'
(-the Red Death held sway over all)
"
:icondopeyope:
(alice is the best at being numb.)
(and sometimes, she swears she can smell her mother's sadness.)

<3
:icondaggereyes:
This is the kind of piece that brings tears to the eyes. From the start, you're drawn in with the great descriptions and wanting to know more. Well written, very well written.

--
Feuer und Wasser kommt nie zusammen
Kann man nicht binden sind nicht verwandt

- Feuer und Wasser - Rammstein -

~lindik ~haus-of-rammstein ~Richards-Emigration

Details

June 15
1.8 KB

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