one.
-
her name is alice. there is a slight blood stain on the valley where her lips part, and her eyes are two supermassive black stars that can't show anything but hurt. she can't bring herself to look in the broken mirror puddles that are all over the ground.
(and i don't blame her)
two.
-
she borrows her mother's raincoat because it smells like home. not the homes that are flooded with laundry soap or soft candles burning in the family room, but more like the paint she spilled on the carpet, or the whiskey on her father's breath.
(and sometimes, she swears she can smell her mother's sadness.)
three.
-
when alice was little she remembers playing freeze tag with her mother. she remembers feeling anxious, and now she feels sick. "if daddy touches you, stay still, and don't make a sound."
(alice is the best at being numb.)
four.
-
alice plays the piano, and the sounds are broken, and slow. sometimes she plays to the beating of her heart, irregular things are what she loves, like tracing the lines in the wall where she counted the days she was alive.
(alice is the best at pretending.)














Critiques
The haunting feeling it gives off is helped by the broken structure and the use of numbers, which seem to dictate a passage of time.
I think you have grasped a set of emotions very well here and laid them out very clearly, without being too direct or forceful. You are not pushing a moral on the reader or making their mind up for them, you are simply painting a picture of someone who is very sad and lonley and possibly very lost and letting the reader make their own decision.
I also think that you are writing about repressed abuse, whether physical or mental i am unsure, but I may be wrong. This image certainly comes across in the third stanza.
I would call this poetry (in response to the first critique) and I would call it very good poetry.
I loved the "smells of home", but I felt like "the whiskey on her father's breath" lacks the originality of "the paint she spilled on the carpet." But I understand that it is completely necessary and that the work would carry the same meaning without it.
In very few words you have shown all the pain that one person could ever hold and then some. Again, beautiful work. Well done.
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